Anatomy of a Malaise: The search for Bint Lebled

This take is mainly from a Moroccan-male point of view, but it does reflect  to a great extent female Moroccans' situation as well, in the sense that they also have dealt & experienced ( & still do as their male counterparts) with  the same problem which is the search for oueld lebled/bint lebled.

When reflected upon under a general light, this topic mirrors one & only one thing:  Division/rift/gap.  But since division is not directly the issue here, the  focus would be on  the main issue of the endless & desperate search for bint lebled by young Moroccans Residing Abroad (MRA).

It is a well known fact about us  Moroccans that the  coffee shops constitute  an ideal ( if not the only)  meeting place culturally & socially  speaking.  It's a habit we picked up back home for different reasons.  The most common of which:  It is a tradition we inherited from  the French colonizers who introduced it to Morocco; lack of leisure spots compared to the abundance of leisure time; high unemployment rate; on top of that it could be a place where one can go about his studies & exam preparations away from home & the interference of the daily home chores that would disrupt the concentration.  And it is within this space that the idea to write about this topic  was born.

One  day when I was sitting in a cafe enjoying my  cup of espresso, I couldn't help  overhear the conversation going on a couple of tables away from mine.  Four friends ( Moroccans unaware of the fact that I do share with them more than exile) were exchanging news about lebled from the present; stories from the past & concerns about the future.  Their trip back & forth in time kept  going on for a while until suddenly out of the blue a question was uttered abruptly & without a context calling for it.  "Any luck guys with the search for bint lebled"? one of the friends asked.  From then on everything has changed, & I should say for the worst.  The tone of the voices, the mood, the subject & time of the conversation all switched in a matter of seconds:  The time has become  more present-oriented; the mood no longer has that nostalgic fire & the tone of their voices?  Well, let me say it has become more subdued &  bleak.  All of this was expressed in the four friends' verbal responses & physical demeanor. 

What we've got here is a snippet of a huge & serious sociological problem that young MRA at the peak of their years are experiencing in their choosen countries of exile.  If married people are to complain about the harshness of "Lghourbah" & being far from home/family/ friends & the comforting familiar surroundings of their cities, these young men are experiencing twice as much pain since, on top of exile, they have to deal with a sociological & existential loneliness which is manifested in their vain attempts to find a life mate or in plain Moroccan  terms:  BINT LEBLED for the purpose of marriage.. 

What they are trying to do is merely give a meaning & a sense to their  void lives.  In a word, they are expressing this  malaise that has permeated the being of young Moroccans.   

Bint lebled is a term that entered the socio-linguistics dictionary of MR in The U.S & North America ( as new destinations of a new wave of immigrants) as it had become a common term  decades ago in the traditional destinations for Moroccan emigrees in Europe.  The connotations go far beyond its plain & simple word association.  If one  looks at it deeply he'll find out that it is a very charged term & that the first thing it conveys is ATTACHMENT.  Attachment to Morocco/lebled & everything Moroccan ( bint/ oueld, wife/husband) & what ensues from that:  Life the Moroccan way, the ritual of food/mint tea, Eids / Ramadan, family, traditions, language, culture, music & most importantly kids raised in & within this context.  In a way bint/ lebled is the foundation upon which all of this is to be realized to a satisfying degree.  In other words, bint lebled, on top of being the foundation for that Moroccan nest, is the glue that can hold it together & assure its continuity in time & space.

But the meaning & weight of the term can only be felt & very much appreciated by those who lack its presence in reality & pine for it; by those who are  on that journey in search for bint lebled.  The search can either turn one into a believer or a cynic.  A believer if you're one of the lucky ones who were blessed & met their life mate, & a cynic if your quest leads to nothing.

But where's bint lebled to be found?  What does it take to meet or find one? One should ask.

Two obvious places to look for her are:  Right here in the new adopted country or back home in the old country.  Back home through family connections & networking.  Which, more or less, just partly solves this dilemma.  But another question ensues if one follows this path:  Is in this case family networking or intervention on behalf of the searcher a solid guarantee that this arrangement is going to withstand the test of time & ( the new) space?

What about the fear of being utilized?  The fear of failure?  due of course to factors such as maladjustment of the bride, her nostalgia, alienation from the family & the familiar togetherness context she was used to back home?  As in the dawn of this union, these factors could affect the denouement of it!

The other obvious option  to look for bint lebled, as I mentioned above, is in the new adopted home.  Yet it's not as easy as it may sound, if it's not twice as hard, otherwise it wouldn't be a disheartening issue of discussion for those friends & for a large segment of MRA all across coffee shops & wherever single MRA happen to meet & be.

As the logic of the situation dictates, most young marriageable Moroccans would prefer if they met that special person right here because of various pragmatic & commonsensical reasons.  On the one hand, they would avoid the hardships involved with the sponsorship procedure in terms of time & finances.  On the other hand, with the person already living here, they'll skip many stages because:  That special person would already have a decent, if not better, linguistic skills; in economic terms, they would already be in the work force which is a big plus as they can dive right into working hard towards those dreams & ambitions they always had & for which family, friends, home & country were left.

In the absence of this alternative or its failure, the only choice they are left with is finding a spouse back home.  And that's where the family comes into the picture.  But despite this reliance on one's family to assist in the search, fear & angst would still manifest themselves in one way or another.  You sit down & you think about it & you realize you've become obsessed with it, it's taken hold of your mind, your  conscious/subconscious & even your   whole being.  That's how hard it has become to be single & trying to get married with bint lebled.  Psychologically, one becomes frail & prey to anxiety. 

 These are legitimate concerns & no matter how strong one's faith in God is, these concerns still cross the mind because they are rightly & justly founded on real horror stories that happened to MRA that moved to the next stage, ie they met her & tied the knot.  It is natural to think like this as in this state of mind people's self-preservation instinct is activated unconsciously & does the thinking for them.  It's true this is a matter where faith should prevail.  But faith & fear become intertwined in one's mind anytime the subject comes up. 

People do think this way because no one likes to be betrayed.  We condemn it(betrayal) when it happens to others, we feel their pain & their devastation especially when they are close to us.  Experiences like these have the unwelcome results of sowing  the seeds of fear, hopelessness, distrust & loss of faith in marriage as a sacred institution & union.  This fear of going through these experiences colors how one views & reacts to other Moroccans generally depending on which side one is gender-wise.  (Well I should add, not only in matrimonial matters but in our daily social & mundane dealings & interactions with them as well).

Consequently a polarization of the sexes is born & a clash is given life to. [ The best place to witness this ( most of us did) is on the internet].  The insults being traded, bashing of both sexes, quarrels etc...Very low & shameful indeed!  Instead of focusing on finding a solution, they both perpetuate the situation, like insults ever resolved problems.  The divide grows even bigger & people are driven further apart the moment they become  involved in a discourse of demonization of the other 

The ironic thing in this whole thing is that the most repeated  insult being traded form some sort of a common ground on which a communication could be started to rectify whatever a long history of repression, oppression & exclusion had done:  Mainly  that neither of them ( Moroccan males & Females ) appreciates seeing the other side being attached to someone of a different background.  But for this communication or dialogue to take place it needs a proper context & framework like an association, community (or better yet a Masjid with a respectable Imam) within which some sort of "lieu de rencontres" could be arranged to form a meeting ground for the search for compatibility in the wider sense of the word.  Many other ethnic groups have set up a similar medium to get their people connected for the purpose of coupledome.  It is a possibility that should be explored.

Alas, people need to rise above their petty differences & quarrels.  No one is better than anyone.  People  should outlast their  problems & not the other way around.   There are no differences that cannot be worked out, it's just a matter of will.  A will that is sincere & "sans arriere idees".  The Moroccan people's  past & their  future ties them inexorably together.  That encounter has yet & must  occur.  For when  it  occurs,  it will be to their  mutual benefit.  They just have to reach out.  It's not that hard.  People should not close those doors forever for their  own sake.